1 00:00:13,037 --> 00:00:16,562 ♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 2 00:00:16,779 --> 00:00:19,695 ♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪ 3 00:00:19,870 --> 00:00:23,308 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 4 00:00:23,525 --> 00:00:26,050 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 5 00:00:27,965 --> 00:00:32,143 man: ♪ Pizza in the morning ♪ 6 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:33,535 ♪ Pizza in the evening ♪ 7 00:00:33,753 --> 00:00:35,320 ♪ Pizza at suppertime ♪ 8 00:00:35,755 --> 00:00:37,800 ♪ When pizza's on a bagel ♪ 9 00:00:37,975 --> 00:00:40,281 ♪ You can eat pizza anytime ♪ 10 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,848 Jesus. 11 00:00:41,848 --> 00:00:43,197 That's something a lunatic would say to himself. 12 00:00:43,415 --> 00:00:44,459 Yeah, no shit. 13 00:00:44,459 --> 00:00:45,417 ♪ Pizza in the morning ♪ 14 00:00:45,417 --> 00:00:46,374 ♪ Pizza in the evening ♪ 15 00:00:46,592 --> 00:00:48,115 ♪ Pizza at suppertime ♪ 16 00:00:48,333 --> 00:00:49,638 Yeah, that's something you'd find smeared in blood 17 00:00:49,856 --> 00:00:51,249 on the wall at a crime scene. 18 00:00:51,466 --> 00:00:53,164 Also, aren't pizza in the evening 19 00:00:53,381 --> 00:00:55,862 and pizza at suppertime kinda the same thing? 20 00:00:56,036 --> 00:00:58,256 No, not to this guy. He's lost his fuckin' mind. 21 00:00:58,473 --> 00:00:59,692 Come in. 22 00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:02,216 Okay. 23 00:01:02,434 --> 00:01:04,871 Um, so I'd rather die 24 00:01:05,045 --> 00:01:07,482 than ask you guys for this particular favor. 25 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:09,920 Not a strong opening to whatever this is. 26 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,097 But I have finals next week, and I'm all out of pot, 27 00:01:13,314 --> 00:01:14,576 and I need it to study. 28 00:01:14,576 --> 00:01:16,404 Could I please borrow some from you guys? 29 00:01:16,622 --> 00:01:17,971 Well, well, well. 30 00:01:18,189 --> 00:01:20,539 Isn't this a fine sack of balls? 31 00:01:20,756 --> 00:01:22,497 Come on. I can't concentrate without it. 32 00:01:22,715 --> 00:01:24,064 And I got a shit ton of work to do. 33 00:01:24,064 --> 00:01:25,805 Compliment us. 34 00:01:25,979 --> 00:01:27,589 - What? - Compliment us. 35 00:01:27,807 --> 00:01:28,721 - One each. - Yeah. 36 00:01:28,721 --> 00:01:30,157 And make it good too. 37 00:01:30,375 --> 00:01:31,985 Somethin' we don't even know about ourselves. 38 00:01:32,943 --> 00:01:34,205 Okay. 39 00:01:34,422 --> 00:01:36,120 Uh, John... 40 00:01:37,295 --> 00:01:39,079 you are one of the only people 41 00:01:39,297 --> 00:01:41,908 who walks at the right speed in the mall. 42 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:45,129 Wow, that's... that's actually huge. 43 00:01:45,346 --> 00:01:46,695 It is. 44 00:01:46,913 --> 00:01:48,915 And, Ted, I like that 45 00:01:49,089 --> 00:01:50,482 if I find blood around the house, 46 00:01:50,699 --> 00:01:52,049 I know that it's not yours. 47 00:01:52,266 --> 00:01:53,876 A fuckin' plus, Blaire. 48 00:01:53,876 --> 00:01:55,139 Johnny, fetch the pot box. 49 00:01:55,356 --> 00:01:56,183 Pot box incomin'. 50 00:01:56,401 --> 00:01:57,489 Thank you. 51 00:01:59,621 --> 00:02:00,492 John: Oh, shit. 52 00:02:00,709 --> 00:02:02,146 - What? - We're out too. 53 00:02:02,363 --> 00:02:03,974 Oh, fuckin' great. 54 00:02:04,191 --> 00:02:06,063 Well, okay, just a thought. 55 00:02:06,063 --> 00:02:07,890 Maybe we go without for a little while. 56 00:02:08,065 --> 00:02:08,979 Would that be healthy? 57 00:02:08,979 --> 00:02:11,198 Johnny, look me in the eye. 58 00:02:11,677 --> 00:02:13,070 Snap the fuck out of it! 59 00:02:13,287 --> 00:02:14,593 You want us to die? 60 00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:16,073 Well, what do you want me to do? 61 00:02:16,073 --> 00:02:17,770 Our regular guy's outta town. 62 00:02:17,988 --> 00:02:20,468 - Hey, what about Chris Bleth? - Who's that? 63 00:02:20,468 --> 00:02:22,427 Uh, he's this weird kid at our school 64 00:02:22,427 --> 00:02:24,429 who has a pet snake and always looks wet. 65 00:02:24,646 --> 00:02:26,170 Oh, yeah, you know, he gets high. 66 00:02:26,387 --> 00:02:29,260 Wait, no, I cannot buy pot from a 17-year-old. 67 00:02:29,477 --> 00:02:32,002 - Nah, it's okay. He's 23. - Jesus. 68 00:02:32,176 --> 00:02:33,699 Yeah, he still lives with his parents. 69 00:02:33,699 --> 00:02:36,354 I always see them in the upstairs window of the house, 70 00:02:36,832 --> 00:02:38,095 but they never seem to move. 71 00:02:38,312 --> 00:02:40,793 His mom's holding a yellow newspaper. 72 00:02:51,717 --> 00:02:52,544 Hi, Gus. 73 00:02:52,761 --> 00:02:53,545 Hi, Mrs. Bennett. 74 00:02:53,762 --> 00:02:54,720 Got your mail here. 75 00:02:54,937 --> 00:02:56,765 Thank you so much. 76 00:02:56,983 --> 00:02:58,593 How's your wife's new eyeball? 77 00:02:58,811 --> 00:03:00,552 Uh, it's been rough. 78 00:03:00,769 --> 00:03:02,293 Uh, it gets turned around now and then, 79 00:03:02,510 --> 00:03:05,209 so I have to shake her for about seven minutes. 80 00:03:05,426 --> 00:03:07,037 But the doctor says it's just our life 81 00:03:07,211 --> 00:03:08,212 for the next few months. 82 00:03:08,429 --> 00:03:10,040 Please send her my love. 83 00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:11,998 I will. Thanks so much. 84 00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:21,442 - Here's your paper, Matty. - Jesus, Susan. 85 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:24,445 Why, why you gotta jam yourself into everybody's business, huh? 86 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,230 The-the guy's gotta shake his wife 87 00:03:26,447 --> 00:03:27,405 like a Magic 8 Ball. 88 00:03:27,405 --> 00:03:28,580 He doesn't wanna talk about it. 89 00:03:28,797 --> 00:03:31,452 I was showing him that I care. 90 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,454 People like it when you take an interest in their lives. 91 00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,195 It makes 'em feel special. 92 00:03:35,413 --> 00:03:36,892 Will you look at this? 93 00:03:36,892 --> 00:03:39,852 Three kids were arrested for vandalizing the church. 94 00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:42,420 Oh, my God, they were? Matty: Yeah. 95 00:03:42,637 --> 00:03:44,596 Says they were high on drugs and broke in 96 00:03:44,813 --> 00:03:47,077 and dragged their dicks across the organ keys. 97 00:03:47,251 --> 00:03:48,208 - Oh, no. - Yeah. 98 00:03:48,426 --> 00:03:49,688 Went on for a half hour 99 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,385 before Father O'Dell finally stopped 'em. 100 00:03:51,603 --> 00:03:52,995 Oh, Matty, look. 101 00:03:52,995 --> 00:03:55,433 It says all the boys attend John Hancock High. 102 00:03:55,433 --> 00:03:56,390 That's John's school! 103 00:03:56,608 --> 00:03:57,870 Bunch of delinquents. 104 00:03:57,870 --> 00:04:00,090 And there's a quote from Father O'Dell. 105 00:04:00,090 --> 00:04:02,701 "This is just the latest example of the fallout 106 00:04:02,918 --> 00:04:05,965 "from a decline in family values. 107 00:04:05,965 --> 00:04:09,229 "When parents are involved in their children's lives, 108 00:04:09,447 --> 00:04:11,492 "this sort of thing doesn't happen." 109 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,234 Oh, Matty, what if that were John? 110 00:04:14,452 --> 00:04:15,975 It wasn't. Relax. 111 00:04:15,975 --> 00:04:18,412 Well, maybe we need to get more involved in his life. 112 00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:20,371 Finally. 113 00:04:20,588 --> 00:04:23,025 I'd just never forgive myself if Johnny turned out 114 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,071 like those church boys on the drugs. 115 00:04:25,245 --> 00:04:27,117 And there's the rest of it. 116 00:04:27,291 --> 00:04:29,293 Fuckin' gas station made the worst tuna sandwich 117 00:04:29,510 --> 00:04:30,424 I've ever had in my life. 118 00:04:30,642 --> 00:04:32,470 That was two weeks ago. 119 00:04:32,687 --> 00:04:34,167 Yeah, it's been stuck behind a Denny's breakfast. 120 00:04:34,385 --> 00:04:35,864 Matty... 121 00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:40,260 how about we spend some quality time together tonight? 122 00:04:40,478 --> 00:04:41,348 Please? 123 00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:42,393 Fine. Whatever. 124 00:04:42,610 --> 00:04:45,309 Oh! Thank you, Matty. 125 00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:49,313 Goddamn Beetle Bailey 126 00:04:49,530 --> 00:04:51,750 fuckin' around on my tax dollars. 127 00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:06,678 Hi. Can I help you? 128 00:05:06,895 --> 00:05:10,769 Hi. Yeah, we're, um... uh, Chris' friends from school. 129 00:05:10,986 --> 00:05:12,336 Oh, yes, of course. You can go on in. 130 00:05:12,336 --> 00:05:13,424 The boys are playing. 131 00:05:19,473 --> 00:05:20,822 Chris: Bash his head in! 132 00:05:20,822 --> 00:05:21,954 Brent: Chop off the legs first! Ken: Kill him! 133 00:05:22,172 --> 00:05:23,434 Chris: Die, you ugly piece of shit! 134 00:05:23,651 --> 00:05:24,565 Brent: Chop his fucking head off! 135 00:05:24,565 --> 00:05:25,436 Ken: Dude, you stabbed him! 136 00:05:25,653 --> 00:05:26,785 Chris: Shit, I'm dying! 137 00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:28,526 Chris: Who is it? 138 00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:34,096 Fucking goddamn it! 139 00:05:34,271 --> 00:05:35,402 The Owlbear dodges your mace, 140 00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:36,925 slashing you nose to navel. 141 00:05:37,143 --> 00:05:38,971 You take 12 points of damage 142 00:05:39,189 --> 00:05:41,365 as the Owlbear laps up your blood. 143 00:05:41,582 --> 00:05:44,411 You are seriously gonna kill me right before we find the temple? 144 00:05:44,629 --> 00:05:47,066 Fuck you in the ass, Chris! That's not appropriate! 145 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,241 Yeah, Chris. What the hell? 146 00:05:48,241 --> 00:05:49,503 We can't play without Brent. 147 00:05:49,721 --> 00:05:51,505 Hey. The rules are the rules. 148 00:05:51,723 --> 00:05:52,680 You don't like my game, 149 00:05:52,898 --> 00:05:54,334 you can leave any time. 150 00:05:54,334 --> 00:05:55,814 You know what? Fuck this then! 151 00:05:56,031 --> 00:05:57,729 I want my velvet dice bag back. 152 00:05:58,033 --> 00:06:00,122 You've been a real asshole ever since you kissed a girl. 153 00:06:00,297 --> 00:06:02,690 Fuck you, and the half-horse, half-dragon you rode in on. 154 00:06:02,908 --> 00:06:03,778 Come on, guys. 155 00:06:03,778 --> 00:06:05,737 Okay, bye. Okay, bye-bye. 156 00:06:05,954 --> 00:06:07,260 Get outta here. 157 00:06:07,478 --> 00:06:08,479 Now I don't have to work your missing father 158 00:06:08,696 --> 00:06:09,436 into the storyline. 159 00:06:09,654 --> 00:06:10,568 Ken: This is bullshit. 160 00:06:10,568 --> 00:06:11,743 Brent: Let's get outta here. 161 00:06:13,179 --> 00:06:14,615 Uh, hey. 162 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,574 John Bennett. The hell are you doing here? 163 00:06:16,791 --> 00:06:19,446 Well, uh, my family and I were hoping that 164 00:06:19,664 --> 00:06:20,795 you had some marijuana we could purchase. 165 00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:22,580 Now's not a good time, okay? 166 00:06:22,797 --> 00:06:25,235 I just wasted a masterpiece of a DandD campaign 167 00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:28,586 on a bunch of ungrateful shits! 168 00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:31,676 Oh, I'm, uh, I'm so sorry to hear that. 169 00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:33,243 Uh, we'll make this quick, then. 170 00:06:33,243 --> 00:06:35,462 I am too mad to sell weed right now, okay? 171 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,509 I need to lie down in the dark and look at my glow stars. 172 00:06:38,770 --> 00:06:40,989 You're, uh, you're upset about your masterpiece. 173 00:06:40,989 --> 00:06:42,556 - That right? - Fuckin' A right! 174 00:06:42,774 --> 00:06:44,515 Well, maybe we could help you out. 175 00:06:44,819 --> 00:06:45,864 What do you mean? 176 00:06:46,081 --> 00:06:49,389 Well, maybe we can play a game 177 00:06:50,085 --> 00:06:51,783 and we could get some pot while we're at it. 178 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,915 I don't wanna start this adventure over 179 00:06:53,915 --> 00:06:55,743 with a brand-new fucking group. 180 00:06:55,961 --> 00:06:57,223 Sorry. - Come on. 181 00:06:57,397 --> 00:06:58,877 Don't you wanna make those assholes jealous? 182 00:06:59,094 --> 00:07:00,226 Yeah, think about the look on their faces 183 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,446 when you're doing this with new guys. 184 00:07:03,534 --> 00:07:04,796 Fuck was that? 185 00:07:05,013 --> 00:07:06,493 What do you mean? I was rolling dice. 186 00:07:06,711 --> 00:07:08,060 No, you weren't. That's not what that was. 187 00:07:08,278 --> 00:07:10,541 - Yes, it was. - You were biting your lower lip. 188 00:07:10,758 --> 00:07:12,543 Yeah, 'cause I'm so excited about the game. 189 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,196 And why'd you throw it on his face? 190 00:07:14,371 --> 00:07:15,981 Have you guys ever even played DandD before? 191 00:07:16,198 --> 00:07:18,200 Uh, no, but we learn fast. 192 00:07:18,375 --> 00:07:19,332 Wait a minute, you guys. 193 00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:20,768 Is this even fuckin' worth it? 194 00:07:20,986 --> 00:07:22,509 I don't know shit about this weird game. 195 00:07:22,727 --> 00:07:24,685 Is DandD the one with hungry hippos? 196 00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:26,296 - Wait, what am I thinking of? - Forget it. 197 00:07:26,470 --> 00:07:27,949 You would make a mockery of the art form. 198 00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:30,038 Well, well, now hang on a second, just hang on. 199 00:07:30,256 --> 00:07:31,649 How about we make it interesting? 200 00:07:31,866 --> 00:07:35,087 If we can beat your game, you give us the weed. 201 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:40,179 Best the quest, earn the herb. 202 00:07:40,353 --> 00:07:42,268 You just said that like you think it rhymes. 203 00:07:42,442 --> 00:07:43,443 You don't think that rhymes, do you? 204 00:07:43,661 --> 00:07:44,879 Just think about it. 205 00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:47,882 A DandD game with real-world stakes. 206 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:50,058 Imagine how alive you'll feel. 207 00:07:50,624 --> 00:07:52,322 All right. We'll do it. 208 00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:53,888 But we have to play at your place. 209 00:07:53,888 --> 00:07:55,499 My son wakes up early in the morning for school. 210 00:08:02,027 --> 00:08:03,420 Because this is your first time playing, 211 00:08:03,637 --> 00:08:05,509 I've gone ahead and premade your character sheets 212 00:08:05,726 --> 00:08:07,249 so we can jump right into the game. 213 00:08:07,424 --> 00:08:08,860 It says I'm a mage. What's that? 214 00:08:09,077 --> 00:08:10,165 It's like a wizard. 215 00:08:10,340 --> 00:08:11,515 Do I get weekends off? 216 00:08:11,732 --> 00:08:13,081 That's your first question? 217 00:08:13,299 --> 00:08:14,735 Hey, I'm starting a new job. 218 00:08:14,735 --> 00:08:16,476 I think it's reasonable to know what the hours are. 219 00:08:16,694 --> 00:08:18,565 Bard? What's a bard? 220 00:08:18,783 --> 00:08:21,351 It's a balladeer. A singer of songs. 221 00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:22,526 Oh, great. That's useful. 222 00:08:22,743 --> 00:08:23,918 "Oh, shit. It's a dragon." 223 00:08:23,918 --> 00:08:25,964 "Don't worry. Here's 'Material Girl.'" 224 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,095 Blaire, what are you? 225 00:08:27,313 --> 00:08:30,838 I'm a thief. So I steal shit? 226 00:08:30,838 --> 00:08:31,970 Yeah, like in The Hobbit. 227 00:08:32,187 --> 00:08:33,580 Oh, like Dildo Baggins. 228 00:08:33,798 --> 00:08:35,713 - What? - Dildo Baggins, The Hobbit. 229 00:08:35,713 --> 00:08:36,496 Bilbo. 230 00:08:36,714 --> 00:08:38,368 - It is? - Yes. 231 00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:39,847 His name was Dildo Bilbo? 232 00:08:40,065 --> 00:08:41,849 Hi, kids. 233 00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:42,894 What you doing? 234 00:08:43,111 --> 00:08:44,504 Oh, hey. Hey, Mom. 235 00:08:44,504 --> 00:08:46,637 We're just, uh, we're just playing a game. 236 00:08:46,854 --> 00:08:49,204 This is our friend Chris. - Hi, Chris. 237 00:08:49,379 --> 00:08:52,338 Johnny, did you warn him about the toilet down here? 238 00:08:52,512 --> 00:08:53,687 What about the toilet? 239 00:08:53,687 --> 00:08:55,080 Chris, if you're gonna use the toilet, 240 00:08:55,297 --> 00:08:57,212 there are five things you need to know. 241 00:08:57,387 --> 00:08:59,432 We're, uh, we're actually in the middle of a game here, Ma. 242 00:08:59,650 --> 00:09:02,740 I know. It looks like so much fun. 243 00:09:02,957 --> 00:09:04,437 Can your father and I play? 244 00:09:04,655 --> 00:09:06,526 - Yeah... It's not their thing. - It's not... 245 00:09:06,744 --> 00:09:08,789 - Great. See ya. - Oh, no. Matty. Wait, wait. 246 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:12,010 Johnny, we just wanna spend some time with you. 247 00:09:12,227 --> 00:09:14,447 Take an interest in your interests. 248 00:09:14,665 --> 00:09:15,579 You know, this adventure actually is 249 00:09:15,796 --> 00:09:17,581 balanced for five heroes. 250 00:09:17,798 --> 00:09:19,974 I have extra character sheets if they wanna play. 251 00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:21,585 Oh! 252 00:09:22,107 --> 00:09:23,543 Uh... Sure. 253 00:09:23,761 --> 00:09:26,677 Yeah, sure. - Oh! Wonderful. 254 00:09:26,894 --> 00:09:28,722 Now, do I need to put any makeup on? 255 00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:29,723 Am I okay? 256 00:09:29,723 --> 00:09:30,985 You're... you're fine. 257 00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:33,335 Mr. Bennett, you'll be playing our cleric. 258 00:09:33,771 --> 00:09:35,381 Mrs. Bennett, you'll be playing our fighter. 259 00:09:35,555 --> 00:09:39,429 Oh! I like that. Like Nancy Crawford. 260 00:09:39,429 --> 00:09:41,735 - What? - Our neighbor. 261 00:09:41,953 --> 00:09:43,955 She had cancer. 262 00:09:44,172 --> 00:09:46,740 She was a fighter. For a while. 263 00:09:47,001 --> 00:09:49,221 Wasn't enough, though. 264 00:09:49,439 --> 00:09:51,876 God gave up on her, the poor thing. 265 00:09:52,093 --> 00:09:54,835 I can't remember what kind of cancer she had. 266 00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:58,056 I do remember she lost a big piece of her tongue. 267 00:09:58,273 --> 00:09:59,623 Can the cleric be deaf? 268 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,102 All the information 269 00:10:01,102 --> 00:10:02,190 about who you'll be playing in the game 270 00:10:02,408 --> 00:10:03,453 is recorded on your character sheet. 271 00:10:03,627 --> 00:10:04,889 I've assigned you your class, 272 00:10:04,889 --> 00:10:06,760 but you can go ahead and pick your race. 273 00:10:06,978 --> 00:10:09,502 - White. - What? 274 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,983 - You said I can pick a race. - Oh. No. 275 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,898 Can I pick white instead of one of the races? 276 00:10:14,115 --> 00:10:15,726 Chris: No. By race, we mean elf, 277 00:10:15,987 --> 00:10:17,554 half-elf, dwarf. 278 00:10:17,771 --> 00:10:18,859 Why don't we just start the game now? 279 00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:21,514 Cancer. It's not a good one. 280 00:10:21,775 --> 00:10:25,866 Our adventure begins in a weathered old tavern 281 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:29,783 at the edge of a mysterious forest. 282 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:41,839 I already fuckin' hate this. 283 00:10:49,890 --> 00:10:51,936 Chris: You're a band of traveling adventurers, 284 00:10:52,153 --> 00:10:54,982 and you've heard tales of a great hidden temple 285 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,506 filled with gold. 286 00:10:56,854 --> 00:10:59,030 It was guarded by the Iridor cult 287 00:10:59,247 --> 00:11:01,815 until they all disappeared. 288 00:11:02,033 --> 00:11:04,252 Rumor has it a cultist who defected 289 00:11:04,470 --> 00:11:07,865 now frequents this tavern and has a map to the temple. 290 00:11:08,082 --> 00:11:10,215 All right. Where do we start? 291 00:11:10,432 --> 00:11:11,825 The sooner we find this map, 292 00:11:11,825 --> 00:11:13,871 the sooner we get the, uh... treasure. 293 00:11:14,088 --> 00:11:15,873 Well, maybe the bartender knows something. 294 00:11:19,659 --> 00:11:21,052 Yeah, I'll have a Sam Adams. 295 00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:23,010 Ooh, I am sorry, good cleric, 296 00:11:23,228 --> 00:11:25,099 but here we only serve mead. 297 00:11:25,447 --> 00:11:26,666 What are you, an asshole? 298 00:11:26,884 --> 00:11:28,189 I'll have a pint of mead. 299 00:11:28,407 --> 00:11:30,844 He will absolutely not have alcohol. 300 00:11:31,062 --> 00:11:32,542 He can have a Dr Pepper. 301 00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:34,935 Dr Pepper? 302 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,546 These are strange words. 303 00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:38,373 Christ, it's that Mexican restaurant 304 00:11:38,548 --> 00:11:39,374 all over again. 305 00:11:39,549 --> 00:11:40,767 Guys. Look. 306 00:11:44,902 --> 00:11:46,599 I bet that's our cultist. 307 00:11:50,864 --> 00:11:53,214 Hey, Star Wars, can we talk to you for a second? 308 00:11:54,476 --> 00:11:56,000 man : Speak. 309 00:11:56,217 --> 00:12:00,482 Ohh. Poor man. I'll bet he's anorexic. 310 00:12:00,657 --> 00:12:04,051 You know, your body's beautiful just the way it is. 311 00:12:04,269 --> 00:12:05,836 Jesus Christ, here we go. 312 00:12:06,053 --> 00:12:07,707 Are you the guy with the map? 313 00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:10,710 Steven Tyler! 314 00:12:10,928 --> 00:12:12,538 Shh. Let him talk. 315 00:12:12,843 --> 00:12:16,020 I was one of the Iridor followers. 316 00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:18,457 In our attempt to purify this world, 317 00:12:18,631 --> 00:12:20,459 we gathered in the temple 318 00:12:20,633 --> 00:12:24,332 and awakened a great, otherworldly force. 319 00:12:24,724 --> 00:12:28,162 But it was too powerful, too evil. 320 00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:31,339 And now it could destroy our entire realm. 321 00:12:31,339 --> 00:12:32,863 Can I just hear you sing, 322 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,517 "And I think to myself, what a wonderful world"? 323 00:12:35,692 --> 00:12:38,477 Do you have a map to this evil temple? 324 00:12:38,695 --> 00:12:40,827 I vowed never to return. 325 00:12:42,002 --> 00:12:43,743 So you may have my map. 326 00:12:48,008 --> 00:12:49,140 Thank you. 327 00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:50,750 I think this is a gay bar. 328 00:12:50,968 --> 00:12:51,969 I mean, I don't care, but it is. 329 00:12:52,186 --> 00:12:53,535 Do they have bathrooms here? 330 00:12:57,975 --> 00:12:59,629 I'll just hold it. 331 00:13:13,077 --> 00:13:15,296 Blaire: Looks like we continue this way 332 00:13:15,514 --> 00:13:19,387 for a bit through Warlock Woods. 333 00:13:19,605 --> 00:13:20,954 Hey, you think we'll see a centaur? 334 00:13:21,172 --> 00:13:22,608 Maybe. 335 00:13:22,608 --> 00:13:25,350 Hey, is there such a thing as a reverse centaur? 336 00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:27,221 Like, just a naked guy with a horse's head 337 00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:28,179 just walking around? 338 00:13:28,396 --> 00:13:29,789 Oh, yeah. 339 00:13:30,007 --> 00:13:31,486 Just like a naked dude body 340 00:13:31,486 --> 00:13:33,271 with a dick flopping around with a big horse head. 341 00:13:33,488 --> 00:13:35,142 - Yeah, like, the worst of both. - Yeah. 342 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,057 Just showing up, making everybody uncomfortable. 343 00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:38,406 Yeah. It's like, go home, dude. 344 00:13:38,624 --> 00:13:40,234 Go home. Nobody wants you here. 345 00:13:40,452 --> 00:13:42,541 Yeah. No one wants to see a horse head and your man dick. 346 00:13:42,715 --> 00:13:43,890 Just walking down the street, 347 00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:45,457 dropping the occasional pile of shit. 348 00:13:45,675 --> 00:13:47,764 Yeah, it's like, dude, this is a public fuckin' park. 349 00:13:47,981 --> 00:13:49,766 Get the fuck outta here with your weird fuckin' setup. 350 00:13:49,983 --> 00:13:51,419 Yeah, there are families here, man. 351 00:13:51,419 --> 00:13:53,117 There's a kid's birthday party right over there. 352 00:13:53,334 --> 00:13:54,118 Get outta here. 353 00:13:54,335 --> 00:13:55,380 Fuck, I'm mad now. 354 00:13:55,597 --> 00:13:57,077 Fuckin' reverse centaur. 355 00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,123 Isn't that what Gary Busey is? 356 00:14:01,603 --> 00:14:03,040 Greetings, adventurers. 357 00:14:03,257 --> 00:14:05,172 Come peruse my wares. 358 00:14:05,390 --> 00:14:07,305 Look, a gnomish merchant. 359 00:14:07,522 --> 00:14:11,309 I have healing potions, sleeping potions, short swords, 360 00:14:11,526 --> 00:14:12,702 two-handed swords. 361 00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:14,616 Jesus, look at this stuff. 362 00:14:14,791 --> 00:14:16,706 O.J. would have a field day out here. 363 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,229 And what about you, thief? 364 00:14:18,446 --> 00:14:20,057 How about a brand-new dagger? 365 00:14:20,274 --> 00:14:22,886 But beware, I have magical wards 366 00:14:23,103 --> 00:14:25,279 to punish those who shoplift. 367 00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:27,064 Well, you know, usually when someone steals, 368 00:14:27,281 --> 00:14:29,240 it's a result of a much larger social imbalance. 369 00:14:29,457 --> 00:14:30,981 For fuck's sake, Blaire, 370 00:14:30,981 --> 00:14:32,243 can we just get to the end of this and get the weed? 371 00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:34,114 You got any sunscreen for my fuckin' head? 372 00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:38,292 It says you sell weapons, potions, and more. 373 00:14:38,510 --> 00:14:39,685 What's the more? 374 00:14:39,859 --> 00:14:41,295 Well, I have bags of holding. 375 00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:44,734 Amulets and trinkets and an immovable rod. 376 00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:46,518 What's an immovable rod? 377 00:14:46,736 --> 00:14:49,390 It's a rod that's fixed in place and cannot be moved. 378 00:14:49,608 --> 00:14:51,044 Well, then how'd you get it here? 379 00:14:51,262 --> 00:14:52,306 Can we just kill this guy? 380 00:14:52,524 --> 00:14:54,047 I'm Susan, by the way. 381 00:14:54,265 --> 00:14:56,093 Susan the Destroyer. 382 00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:58,138 Do you enjoy being in sales? 383 00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:00,575 Jesus Christ, every fuckin' time! 384 00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,012 Guys, we gotta keep moving. 385 00:15:02,012 --> 00:15:03,491 So just buy what you need and let's go. 386 00:15:03,709 --> 00:15:07,887 Okay, I'll take a, a flint, a torch, 387 00:15:08,105 --> 00:15:09,846 and a hundred yards of rope. 388 00:15:10,063 --> 00:15:11,586 Oh, and, uh... 389 00:15:11,761 --> 00:15:13,110 a tampon. 390 00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:15,373 This is a strange word. 391 00:15:15,590 --> 00:15:17,505 A rod of absorbency. 392 00:15:27,820 --> 00:15:28,778 Blaire: This is it. 393 00:15:28,778 --> 00:15:29,996 The Iridor temple. 394 00:15:37,438 --> 00:15:39,614 You no get by me. 395 00:15:39,789 --> 00:15:41,007 Oh, great grammar. 396 00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:45,229 This my territory. You leave or die! 397 00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:48,145 Well, Mom, you're the fighter. Go kick his ass. 398 00:15:48,928 --> 00:15:50,538 Okay. 399 00:15:50,843 --> 00:15:53,541 Well, I can certainly try. 400 00:15:56,153 --> 00:15:57,328 Boop. 401 00:15:58,111 --> 00:15:59,156 Right on your nose. 402 00:16:02,812 --> 00:16:04,117 What do you think we should do, Dad? 403 00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:06,554 Dad? 404 00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:08,556 Dad? 405 00:16:10,123 --> 00:16:11,777 - Huh? - Matty, will you please 406 00:16:11,951 --> 00:16:13,039 pay attention? 407 00:16:13,257 --> 00:16:15,041 I played Russian roulette in 'Nam. 408 00:16:15,259 --> 00:16:17,000 Sorry if this game ain't holding my attention. 409 00:16:17,217 --> 00:16:19,219 The ogre is getting angrier. 410 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,178 Time is running out, 411 00:16:21,395 --> 00:16:24,181 but there may yet be a way to slip past him. 412 00:16:24,398 --> 00:16:25,791 Teddy, play something on your lute. 413 00:16:25,965 --> 00:16:26,836 Maybe you can charm him. 414 00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:28,272 Ah. Okay. 415 00:16:28,489 --> 00:16:29,708 Well, Mr. Ogre, 416 00:16:29,708 --> 00:16:31,623 I would like to sing a ballad for you. 417 00:16:31,841 --> 00:16:35,279 This is the tale of the movie Philadelphia. 418 00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:38,151 ♪ There once was a lawyer ♪ 419 00:16:38,151 --> 00:16:39,718 ♪ Named Andrew Beckett ♪ 420 00:16:39,718 --> 00:16:41,459 ♪ Who worked ♪ ♪ With great proficiency ♪ 421 00:16:41,676 --> 00:16:43,287 ♪ But none of ♪ ♪ His coworkers knew ♪ 422 00:16:43,287 --> 00:16:45,463 ♪ About his ♪ ♪ Autoimmune deficiency ♪ 423 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:47,813 ♪ Despite the many ♪ ♪ Legal cases ♪ 424 00:16:47,987 --> 00:16:49,815 ♪ He'd achieved prestige in ♪ 425 00:16:49,989 --> 00:16:51,425 ♪ One day at the firm ♪ 426 00:16:51,425 --> 00:16:52,600 ♪ A coworker ♪ ♪ Looked at his face ♪ 427 00:16:52,818 --> 00:16:55,734 ♪ And saw a lesion ♪ 428 00:16:56,039 --> 00:16:58,998 ♪ His boss found out ♪ ♪ That he had AIDS ♪ 429 00:16:59,216 --> 00:17:01,000 ♪ And so they ♪ ♪ Gave him the hatchet ♪ 430 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,915 ♪ He found a Black lawyer ♪ ♪ And asked for help ♪ 431 00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:05,178 ♪ But the guy said ♪ ♪ "I don't wanna catch it" ♪ 432 00:17:05,396 --> 00:17:07,093 ♪ Then a library worker ♪ ♪ Kicked him out ♪ 433 00:17:07,311 --> 00:17:09,052 ♪ It was 'cause of the AIDS ♪ ♪ He just knew it ♪ 434 00:17:09,269 --> 00:17:11,141 ♪ The Black lawyer said ♪ ♪ "Holy shit" ♪ 435 00:17:11,141 --> 00:17:13,404 ♪ "You get treated like us ♪ ♪ I'll fuckin' do it" ♪ 436 00:17:13,621 --> 00:17:14,622 Ted, you're good. We got it. 437 00:17:14,927 --> 00:17:15,972 Ah. 438 00:17:22,804 --> 00:17:25,155 Matty: Jesus, I can't see shit. 439 00:17:25,372 --> 00:17:26,852 John: Does anyone have a flashlight? 440 00:17:27,026 --> 00:17:28,201 Blaire: Oh, Susan, your torch. 441 00:17:28,201 --> 00:17:30,464 Susan: Oh! All right. 442 00:17:33,206 --> 00:17:33,946 Fuck you! 443 00:17:34,164 --> 00:17:35,252 Fuck you! Fuck you! 444 00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:37,384 Come on. This way. 445 00:17:44,043 --> 00:17:46,002 Ted: Ew, I think that's an orc turd. 446 00:18:11,505 --> 00:18:13,159 Wow! 447 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,814 Look at this place! 448 00:18:15,814 --> 00:18:18,512 I feel like I'm at an art museum. 449 00:18:24,475 --> 00:18:27,869 To pass, we desire four of a kind. 450 00:18:28,044 --> 00:18:29,262 Ah, fuck. 451 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,655 Are we gonna have to tip these guys? 452 00:18:30,872 --> 00:18:34,354 A simple task and easy to find. 453 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:37,270 Yeah, you're about to find out about the immovable wallet. 454 00:18:37,270 --> 00:18:39,490 What howls without lips. 455 00:18:39,707 --> 00:18:41,361 What runs without feet. 456 00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:43,233 What is always below. 457 00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:45,452 And what always must eat. 458 00:18:45,670 --> 00:18:47,889 I just heard that and I don't remember any of it. 459 00:18:48,064 --> 00:18:50,762 Guess we gotta solve the riddle to keep going. 460 00:18:53,721 --> 00:18:55,593 Oh, shit. 461 00:18:55,810 --> 00:18:57,464 Oh, that's fuckin' great, Blaire! 462 00:18:57,682 --> 00:18:58,639 Okay, okay. Nobody panic. 463 00:18:58,639 --> 00:18:59,771 We just gotta solve the riddle. 464 00:18:59,989 --> 00:19:01,991 Something that howls without lips. 465 00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:03,601 Something that runs without feet. 466 00:19:03,818 --> 00:19:04,906 Uh, runs without feet. 467 00:19:04,906 --> 00:19:06,386 Uh, a guy in the Special Olympics. 468 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:08,432 A-a diabetic chasing an ice cream truck. 469 00:19:08,649 --> 00:19:10,173 Something that always must eat. 470 00:19:10,390 --> 00:19:11,435 Uh, welfare queens! 471 00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:13,132 Shut up and let me think. 472 00:19:13,132 --> 00:19:15,221 Okay, we know it has to be a group of four, right? 473 00:19:15,439 --> 00:19:17,310 - Boyz II Men. - Oh, nice. 474 00:19:17,528 --> 00:19:18,529 Right? John: Wait a minute. 475 00:19:18,746 --> 00:19:19,878 If there's four of 'em, 476 00:19:19,878 --> 00:19:20,922 shouldn't they be called Boyz IV Men? 477 00:19:20,922 --> 00:19:22,272 Yeah, I don't think that'd work. 478 00:19:22,489 --> 00:19:23,534 There's four of 'em. Boyz IV Men. 479 00:19:23,751 --> 00:19:25,101 It'd work even better. 480 00:19:25,101 --> 00:19:27,190 Yeah, just maybe not with the right crowd. 481 00:19:27,407 --> 00:19:29,453 Wait a minute! Uh, it's the elements. 482 00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:31,020 Water, wind, earth, fire. 483 00:19:31,194 --> 00:19:33,196 Holy shit. Blaire, you're right. 484 00:19:33,413 --> 00:19:35,372 Uh... Fireball. 485 00:19:41,856 --> 00:19:43,510 Okay, I got earth. 486 00:19:52,389 --> 00:19:53,738 Does anyone have any water? 487 00:19:53,955 --> 00:19:55,392 Oh, uh, uh, it says on my paper 488 00:19:55,392 --> 00:19:57,437 I have a pouch of holy water. 489 00:19:57,655 --> 00:19:58,786 Oh, wait. 490 00:19:59,004 --> 00:20:00,310 That's what the fuck this is. 491 00:20:00,527 --> 00:20:01,659 Christ, I've been pissing in it. 492 00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:04,444 Wait, Dad. Piss is mostly water. 493 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,359 Not mine. It's a lot of pulp. 494 00:20:06,577 --> 00:20:07,491 Oh, for fuck's sake, just try it! 495 00:20:16,413 --> 00:20:18,371 Don't fuckin' smile at me, you weirdo. 496 00:20:18,589 --> 00:20:20,678 Okay, now we just need wind. 497 00:20:20,895 --> 00:20:23,115 Oh. Teddy, you can blow on its hands. 498 00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:24,812 You're a bard. You got breath support. 499 00:20:24,812 --> 00:20:27,598 Fuckin' Christ, I'm blowin' people for weed. 500 00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:41,090 Ah! 501 00:20:43,831 --> 00:20:44,963 Susan and Matty: Oh! 502 00:21:00,283 --> 00:21:02,023 John: You know what's sad? 503 00:21:02,198 --> 00:21:04,809 This is the only vacation we've ever taken as a family. 504 00:21:05,026 --> 00:21:07,986 Guys, is this really all fuckin' worth it? 505 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,858 I mean, do we really need the weed that badly? 506 00:21:11,076 --> 00:21:12,208 Are you shitting me? 507 00:21:12,208 --> 00:21:13,122 You wanna listen to Eddie Vedder's voice 508 00:21:13,339 --> 00:21:14,601 on a weedless brain? 509 00:21:14,819 --> 00:21:16,473 Oh, God, I didn't think of that. 510 00:21:16,690 --> 00:21:18,649 I watched Road House without weed one time, Johnny. 511 00:21:18,866 --> 00:21:20,129 It was fuckin' terrible. 512 00:21:20,346 --> 00:21:22,827 Patrick Swayze has sex in the same pond 513 00:21:23,044 --> 00:21:24,481 he just killed a guy in, like, a week ago. 514 00:21:24,698 --> 00:21:25,656 Stop it, dude. 515 00:21:25,873 --> 00:21:27,745 John, nothing we like is good. 516 00:21:34,665 --> 00:21:37,798 Oh. Look, it's one of the cultists. 517 00:21:38,016 --> 00:21:39,757 Um, excuse me? 518 00:21:40,714 --> 00:21:41,846 Hi. 519 00:21:42,499 --> 00:21:43,413 Are you... 520 00:21:45,066 --> 00:21:46,372 Are you here to save us? 521 00:21:46,590 --> 00:21:48,026 Not a... 522 00:21:48,026 --> 00:21:50,159 not a lot of Black people in Chris' world, huh? 523 00:21:50,376 --> 00:21:51,812 You're just in time. 524 00:21:52,030 --> 00:21:55,381 The infamous, all-powerful Dral'hul 525 00:21:55,599 --> 00:21:58,950 will soon end existence as we know it. 526 00:21:59,168 --> 00:22:00,734 Yeah, Dral'hul doesn't mean 527 00:22:00,952 --> 00:22:02,649 as much as you think he does outside of here. 528 00:22:02,867 --> 00:22:04,738 Like, we're just hearing about him. 529 00:22:04,956 --> 00:22:08,177 He is a fearsome being from the nether-realm. 530 00:22:08,351 --> 00:22:12,442 I am the only one left keeping him at bay. 531 00:22:12,659 --> 00:22:13,965 Well, how do we kill him? 532 00:22:14,183 --> 00:22:16,620 The beast is nearly invincible. 533 00:22:16,837 --> 00:22:19,666 However, there is one way 534 00:22:19,884 --> 00:22:22,234 to cast him back to his realm. 535 00:22:22,452 --> 00:22:23,366 You must-- 536 00:22:24,584 --> 00:22:26,195 What the fuck, Dad? 537 00:22:26,412 --> 00:22:28,806 What? I fuckin' sped things along! 538 00:22:29,023 --> 00:22:30,634 He was about to give us the information we needed. 539 00:22:30,851 --> 00:22:32,549 Like, game-winning information. 540 00:22:32,766 --> 00:22:35,639 We were so close and you ruined everything! 541 00:22:35,856 --> 00:22:37,249 Why are you guys even here? 542 00:22:37,467 --> 00:22:40,513 - We were trying to protect you. - What? 543 00:22:40,731 --> 00:22:43,429 We wanted to get more involved in your life 544 00:22:43,647 --> 00:22:45,779 to make sure that you weren't getting into trouble. 545 00:22:45,997 --> 00:22:47,216 Ma, what trouble? 546 00:22:47,390 --> 00:22:48,826 I just don't know what I'd do 547 00:22:49,043 --> 00:22:51,089 if you turned out like one of those boys in church. 548 00:22:51,959 --> 00:22:53,222 What boys? 549 00:22:53,396 --> 00:22:56,007 There were three boys in the paper, 550 00:22:56,225 --> 00:22:57,530 and they did drugs, 551 00:22:57,748 --> 00:22:59,053 and they got arrested. 552 00:22:59,228 --> 00:23:00,664 And Father O'Dell says 553 00:23:00,881 --> 00:23:03,580 it's because of no family values. 554 00:23:03,797 --> 00:23:05,103 We don't want you to get humped up 555 00:23:05,277 --> 00:23:07,540 on the doobage, Johnny. 556 00:23:07,758 --> 00:23:10,151 We just wanna be a bigger part of your life. 557 00:23:10,326 --> 00:23:13,416 Wait, you're down here helping us win this game 558 00:23:13,633 --> 00:23:14,982 to keep John off drugs? 559 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,332 Yeah. 560 00:23:16,549 --> 00:23:18,203 Anyone wanna weigh in here? 561 00:23:18,377 --> 00:23:21,598 Mom, thank you 562 00:23:21,815 --> 00:23:23,513 for trying to keep me off drugs. 563 00:23:24,078 --> 00:23:25,341 I love you. 564 00:23:26,472 --> 00:23:28,779 Now, what do you guys say we win this game? 565 00:23:28,996 --> 00:23:31,869 Dral'hul bursts into the chamber 566 00:23:32,086 --> 00:23:33,653 with an eruption of flame! 567 00:23:42,009 --> 00:23:45,274 Great. It's the demon we have no idea how to kill... 568 00:23:45,448 --> 00:23:47,928 because Matty refuses to go to anger management. 569 00:23:48,146 --> 00:23:49,539 - Fuck your mother. - Wait a minute. 570 00:23:49,756 --> 00:23:51,105 Maybe we can still do this. 571 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:55,371 Uh, I cast magic missile. 572 00:23:55,588 --> 00:23:57,851 Three points of damage. - Okay. 573 00:23:58,069 --> 00:24:00,680 Three points of damage from your arcane blast. 574 00:24:00,898 --> 00:24:04,293 Dral'hul whips around, breathing a cone of black flame, 575 00:24:04,467 --> 00:24:06,773 dealing 38 points of damage. 576 00:24:06,991 --> 00:24:07,600 You are dead. 577 00:24:07,818 --> 00:24:10,299 Johnny! No! 578 00:24:10,299 --> 00:24:11,691 Matty, do something! 579 00:24:11,909 --> 00:24:12,997 Jesus, Susan! 580 00:24:12,997 --> 00:24:14,955 That was right in my fuckin' ear. 581 00:24:15,173 --> 00:24:18,307 All right, uh, can, can I heal him? 582 00:24:18,481 --> 00:24:20,047 I mean, that-that's my whole deal, right? 583 00:24:20,265 --> 00:24:21,266 There's nothing left to heal. 584 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:22,659 Then I, then I, 585 00:24:22,876 --> 00:24:24,617 I, I charge the demon 586 00:24:24,835 --> 00:24:26,489 and I bash in his head like the last guy. 587 00:24:28,012 --> 00:24:30,014 Okay, before you can reach him... 588 00:24:30,231 --> 00:24:31,929 Yeah, he whips around with his barbed tail, 589 00:24:32,146 --> 00:24:33,104 piercing your chest. 590 00:24:33,104 --> 00:24:35,802 Dealing you 32 points of damage. 591 00:24:36,020 --> 00:24:37,804 - You're dead. - Fuckin' finally. 592 00:24:38,022 --> 00:24:40,459 Wait. As a thief, it says on my character sheet 593 00:24:40,677 --> 00:24:42,896 that I carry a potion of darkness. 594 00:24:43,114 --> 00:24:43,854 You do. 595 00:24:44,071 --> 00:24:45,769 Okay, I use that... 596 00:24:48,554 --> 00:24:51,427 ...and sneak up on Dral'hul when the torches go out. 597 00:24:51,644 --> 00:24:53,646 Aha. Backstab. 598 00:24:53,864 --> 00:24:54,778 Page 40 of the player's handbook. 599 00:24:54,995 --> 00:24:56,997 Very clever. 600 00:24:57,215 --> 00:24:58,042 Unfortunately, Dral'hul does have darkvision, 601 00:24:58,042 --> 00:24:59,565 so he can easily see you. 602 00:24:59,783 --> 00:25:02,438 He's going to unhinge his jaw. He bites your head off. 603 00:25:02,655 --> 00:25:03,787 You're dead. - Shit. 604 00:25:04,004 --> 00:25:05,876 When she died, did she poop herself? 605 00:25:06,093 --> 00:25:07,138 What the fuck? 606 00:25:07,834 --> 00:25:10,010 - Yes. - You had to roll for that? 607 00:25:10,228 --> 00:25:11,882 - Yes. - That's weird. 608 00:25:12,099 --> 00:25:14,493 Every time I go to the john, I'm rolling the dice. 609 00:25:14,493 --> 00:25:18,845 Dral'hul moves steadily closer. What do you do? 610 00:25:19,063 --> 00:25:21,500 - I attack you. - What? 611 00:25:21,718 --> 00:25:23,763 You heard me, I attack you. 612 00:25:23,981 --> 00:25:25,983 You can't. The Dungeon Master is God. 613 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:27,724 Fine, I attack God. 614 00:25:27,941 --> 00:25:29,813 That would be like attacking a thousand Dral'huls. 615 00:25:30,030 --> 00:25:31,380 Only a madman would do that. 616 00:25:31,597 --> 00:25:32,729 ♪ Pizza in the morning ♪ 617 00:25:32,946 --> 00:25:33,904 ♪ Pizza in the evening ♪ 618 00:25:34,121 --> 00:25:35,558 ♪ Pizza at suppertime ♪ 619 00:25:38,169 --> 00:25:39,910 That's a critical hit. 620 00:25:40,127 --> 00:25:41,651 Uh... 621 00:25:41,868 --> 00:25:44,088 I take six points of damage. 622 00:25:44,305 --> 00:25:46,003 - I attack again. - Well, just-- 623 00:25:46,220 --> 00:25:47,091 I-I don't know if you, uh... 624 00:25:47,918 --> 00:25:48,962 Oh, my God, another nat 20. 625 00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:50,790 Uh... 626 00:25:51,008 --> 00:25:52,923 I take ten additional points of damage. 627 00:25:53,140 --> 00:25:54,794 - Come on, buddy. Fuck him up. - Oh! You got this! 628 00:25:55,012 --> 00:25:58,494 I harness all my strength, preparing a death blow. 629 00:26:00,147 --> 00:26:01,540 Is a one good? 630 00:26:01,758 --> 00:26:04,413 No, no, no, no, no. 631 00:26:07,328 --> 00:26:09,809 Well, there it goes. We're all dead. 632 00:26:10,027 --> 00:26:11,942 Well, I'm alive. 633 00:26:12,943 --> 00:26:14,553 Hi. 634 00:26:15,032 --> 00:26:18,165 I'm Susan Bennett from Framingham, Massachusetts. 635 00:26:18,383 --> 00:26:19,471 What's your name? 636 00:26:19,776 --> 00:26:23,040 I am Dral'hul from Hell. 637 00:26:23,301 --> 00:26:25,608 Oh! Do you know Barbara? 638 00:26:25,825 --> 00:26:27,305 Mom, what are you doing? You're a fighter. 639 00:26:27,479 --> 00:26:29,568 - Just fight him. - She fuckin' always does this. 640 00:26:29,786 --> 00:26:32,049 Are you also from the Boston area? 641 00:26:32,266 --> 00:26:34,921 I was birthed by flames 642 00:26:35,139 --> 00:26:37,968 and the wailing of tormented souls. 643 00:26:38,185 --> 00:26:40,710 Oh. That's why I had an epidural. 644 00:26:41,754 --> 00:26:43,887 Do you enjoy being a demon? 645 00:26:46,150 --> 00:26:47,412 It's okay. 646 00:26:47,586 --> 00:26:49,066 Must be hard having people 647 00:26:49,283 --> 00:26:51,460 afraid of you all the time. 648 00:26:52,983 --> 00:26:54,811 You... you know, actually it is. 649 00:26:55,028 --> 00:26:56,247 Uh, thank you for acknowledging. 650 00:26:56,465 --> 00:26:58,249 What did you say your name was? Susan? 651 00:26:58,467 --> 00:27:00,120 Susan. Susan. Dral'hul: Susan. 652 00:27:00,338 --> 00:27:02,209 Susan, you are a breath of fresh air. 653 00:27:02,427 --> 00:27:04,255 Oh. Stop. 654 00:27:04,473 --> 00:27:06,344 You know, sometimes I think people come to me 655 00:27:06,518 --> 00:27:09,478 only for my power or my treasure. 656 00:27:09,695 --> 00:27:12,219 No one ever just comes by just to say hi. 657 00:27:12,437 --> 00:27:13,656 See how I'm doing. 658 00:27:13,873 --> 00:27:15,484 That must really hurt. 659 00:27:15,658 --> 00:27:17,268 You know, it does. 660 00:27:17,486 --> 00:27:20,097 Is that why you wanna destroy the world? 661 00:27:20,663 --> 00:27:23,404 Turns out the real demon is loneliness. 662 00:27:23,579 --> 00:27:25,842 Maybe you need to meet some new people 663 00:27:26,059 --> 00:27:27,713 or take up a hobby. 664 00:27:27,931 --> 00:27:30,803 There's a spot open in my watercolor group. 665 00:27:31,151 --> 00:27:32,892 - Really? - Oh, wait. No, there isn't. 666 00:27:33,110 --> 00:27:34,894 Oh. Susan: I forgot. 667 00:27:35,112 --> 00:27:37,941 Carol apologized to Janine, and now she's back in class. 668 00:27:38,158 --> 00:27:39,203 What did Carol do? 669 00:27:39,420 --> 00:27:41,379 She drew a portrait of Janine, 670 00:27:41,553 --> 00:27:43,512 and she didn't leave out her mustache. 671 00:27:43,729 --> 00:27:44,817 No! 672 00:27:45,035 --> 00:27:46,123 Susan: She added in the mustache. 673 00:27:46,340 --> 00:27:47,733 And they call me a demon. 674 00:27:47,951 --> 00:27:49,039 I know, right? 675 00:27:51,998 --> 00:27:52,999 Oh! Susan: I know! 676 00:27:53,217 --> 00:27:55,567 Oh, oh. 677 00:27:58,527 --> 00:28:01,355 I needed that. I needed that laugh. 678 00:28:01,573 --> 00:28:04,402 This is why I love meeting new people. 679 00:28:05,838 --> 00:28:10,234 And, moved by the fighter's compassion, 680 00:28:10,930 --> 00:28:13,716 Dral'hul dissipates into his infernal realm, 681 00:28:13,933 --> 00:28:16,936 leaving behind the temple full of treasure. 682 00:28:17,197 --> 00:28:18,764 The world is safe. 683 00:28:18,982 --> 00:28:20,200 The quest is done. 684 00:28:21,941 --> 00:28:23,290 - Whoo! - My God, Mom. 685 00:28:23,290 --> 00:28:25,031 You have no idea how much we love you right now. 686 00:28:25,249 --> 00:28:26,380 So proud of you, Aunt Suse. 687 00:28:26,555 --> 00:28:28,034 You're a fuckin' genius. 688 00:28:28,252 --> 00:28:30,036 Well, now I see you and your friends 689 00:28:30,254 --> 00:28:34,084 are having adventures together without the drugs. 690 00:28:34,301 --> 00:28:36,042 Oh, Matty, these are good kids. 691 00:28:36,260 --> 00:28:38,305 Oh, yeah. We won the lottery, Susan. 692 00:28:38,523 --> 00:28:41,352 And don't you worry, Ma, we are never gonna use drugs. 693 00:28:41,570 --> 00:28:43,006 Come on, let's go. 694 00:28:47,401 --> 00:28:49,447 Now, about those drugs... 695 00:29:00,458 --> 00:29:02,112 That was some adventure. 696 00:29:02,329 --> 00:29:03,722 Do you think the fact that we went through 697 00:29:03,940 --> 00:29:06,072 that much trouble just to get some weed, 698 00:29:06,290 --> 00:29:07,944 is that, like, a sign of a serious problem? 699 00:29:08,161 --> 00:29:11,208 No. It's a sign of serious commitment. 700 00:29:11,425 --> 00:29:14,951 You think maybe somewhere, somehow, in another dimension, 701 00:29:15,168 --> 00:29:17,997 the DandD world is real, and we're the game? 702 00:29:18,215 --> 00:29:20,304 all: Whoa. 703 00:29:32,795 --> 00:29:35,885 Susan is going to love this. 704 00:29:36,102 --> 00:29:37,930 - mom: Dral'hul! - What? 705 00:29:38,148 --> 00:29:39,105 mom: Your demon friends are here 706 00:29:39,323 --> 00:29:42,065 to play Stoners and Teddy Bears. 707 00:29:42,282 --> 00:29:43,719 Just tell them to fuck-- 708 00:29:43,936 --> 00:29:46,373 Tell them to come down then. God! 709 00:29:46,591 --> 00:29:48,027 mom: Language. 710 00:29:48,245 --> 00:29:49,899 Fuckin' hate you. 711 00:29:56,557 --> 00:30:00,736 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪ 712 00:30:00,953 --> 00:30:03,956 ♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪ 713 00:30:05,349 --> 00:30:09,179 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 714 00:30:09,396 --> 00:30:11,747 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 715 00:30:11,964 --> 00:30:14,967 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 716 00:30:15,359 --> 00:30:18,362 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 717 00:30:18,667 --> 00:30:20,538 ♪ But you just don't care ♪ 718 00:30:20,712 --> 00:30:24,020 ♪ 'Cause your ♪ 719 00:30:25,064 --> 00:30:27,110 ♪ Best friend is me ♪